~ by Adeline Kovaè

Is there such a thing as accidentally on purpose? Was it really an accident? I have no idea. My motherhood story begins at the young age of 12 with Endometriosis and reports from many doctors that I would probably never have kids. At 12, who really cares though!

Fast forward to November 1997; I had 15 phone messages from my newly minted sister-in-law that she was pregnant. I’d been married for a month and SHE gets to be pregnant! What!? My female psychotic tendencies kicked into full gear at that point.

I’d been married first; she was just a college freshman! I had always wanted to be a mom, and she was freaking out about becoming one. Jealousy poked his little head.

Of course, I helped her work through the trauma of being in a surprise pregnancy like any good sister would. Being an only child, I always wanted a sister. I couldn’t let her down. Then my depression set in. My husband, Jamie, and I talked about having babies. He was in his last year of college. I had five jobs keeping us afloat, only one of which actually was what I had gone to school for- teaching. Having only been married for 10 weeks, we figured it just wasn’t the best time for us to try to have a family. While so very true and a great decision, my inner psycho wasn’t appeased.

I went to the OB/Gyn. Again, I was told that my Endometriosis was a problem, worse now than before. More tears. Then fertility drugs, two different kinds. Of course, I lied to the doc to convince him that my hubby was on board with the idea of us having kids so soon in our marriage. My inner psycho talking again.

When we met, Jamie and I were adamant about truth and not lying to each other. That was in my head the whole two months following the doc appointment as I looked at the fertility drugs daily, never actually taking them.

By May we realized the amount of drugs and alcohol we had consumed, as well as the classes Jamie was taking for hotel and restaurant management were ridiculous, so we packed up a Ryder truck, threw an awesome Going Away party, and left Penn State to move in with my parents in West Virginia.

I was working at Eat ‘N Park, and Jamie was sweeping floors for $7 an hour. We were staying in the room that shared a wall with my Dad’s room. No, my parents did not sleep together anymore, but that is a whole other story in itself. I felt like I was in high school again finally getting away with having a boyfriend spend the night. Yes, I had chores in the house and a curfew again. It was complete torture for a college graduate and newlywed.

As an escape, Jamie and I met my high school BFF, Sarah, and her boyfriend for a weekend of revelry in every bar we could get into on the South Side of Pittsburgh. I don’t remember much of that night…

When we woke the next mid-morning, I was nauseated as usual. The only breakfast I had been able to consume for weeks was hot tea. Sarah had gone out early to get us amazing bagels for breakfast, and when I refused even a bite, she started chanting, “You’re pregnant! You’re pregnant!” over and over again in her sing-songy voice. So not fun.

On the hour-long drive back to my parents’ house, we hit the drug store. Jamie decided to help Mummy fix dinner while I went upstairs to “rest” a bit. In the bathroom, I peed in the ½ ounce mini cup, dipped the inch-long plastic stick in it, and tried to say, “Please be nega…” when the little + sign showed. It was after 5 pm. The dumb thing had to be wrong! It had not been my first pee of the day. I curled up on the floor of the bathroom hugging the john tightly for comfort and cried my eyes out both because of excitement and absolute fear.

My Little Prince, Dartanyian

I was certainly an accidental mom, but hadn’t I wanted this? Didn’t I go get fertility drugs? YES! But they were all still in the boxes in my nightstand as they had been for the past seven months, untouched. What now?

It was at that point I began to wonder: Was this an accident? Did I do this on purpose? How can I be a mom? What do I know? Am I really living with my parents? Well, at least I had 9 months to work all of the questions and chaos out. Or so I thought…


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