Photo by Laura Petrilla
My Birthday Stars: the Harp,
the Hunter, and the Bird
~~~~~~By Sarah Lolley~~~~~~
I always come back to the stars – the same distant balls of gaseous twinkling that started a life’s worth of dreaming and conjuring.
It’s my birthday and I feel old, a gypsy, a storyteller, a mother with children hiding under her skirts. And I won’t lie. I have been low these last few days. The post-partum baby blues has hit me late in my motherly cycle.
When I look at my children I want them to be proud and inspired by their mother’s life. That can’t happen unless I am also inspired. Truth be told, it sounds cliché, but they are my inspiration, my moxie, my soul, my heart, our future.
Home-made Star Catcher – Lyra, Orion, Phoenix
For so long I have stared at the stars and here they are sleeping beside me – Lyra, Orion, and Phoenix. There are never words to describe the connection a mother feels with her children- the fear of loss, of sacrifice, of a bond deeper than the planet’s molten core. Their lives bound me to this earth.
These little angels that I hoped would bless my life’s course ripped a seam in my body and it’s been a painful recovery. It required more patience with my self, something that I am already in low supply. I never blamed them, never ever. My pain is my burden- despite my near insanity. After a year of physical therapy, which isn’t over, I feel old and it is surprising to me.
Princess Lyra Ella and Prince Lucian Orion
It sounds strange, but I have never felt this old. I have never felt that my body wouldn’t heal, bounce back into its original soft form. Guess what? I am not the same and never will be again. I feel like saying good-bye to the fantasies of running away with the band, driving topless through the night, becoming a film star, skinny dipping, dancing in the rain, hanging out a car window, eating gluten heavy dinners (I know so reckless), and flipping off the police (because it’s synonymous with gluten-eaters). Instead, I let my children take the reins and run naked – okay never hang out of car windows or flipping off cops, but you know what I mean.
I have this talent that Paramount Pictures and Warner Brothers have lost out on – straight tears. I cry straight face, tears streaming down my face as I stand straight-faced to the world. The water has been flowing for two days and I swear I would win the Academy Award for sorrow. That is if I was in a dramatic movie or a gothic vampire TV series. I guess the talent wouldn’t float so well in a comedy. Actually, if it was about my life it would be funny.
Damn, I never published any great works. That is a detail I hope to change. If I believe in myself, I know that there is a good chance my kids will believe in themselves. This may be the biggest motivating factor in my life, in anyone’s life really. Believe in yourself.
Lazar “Laser” Phoenix – the glorious spirited bird
Last night as my tears streamed down my face and my kids took turns catching them, we played stars. I told them each about the stories that that gave them their names. Lyra – the harp, the peacekeeper. Orion – the hunter and protector. Phoenix – the bird that rises from ash. I told them that mommy wished upon the stars to come into her belly and beckoned them to earth. They were quiet – this is strange because usually they are howling. I asked them if they remember their life as a star, before they came to earth. Lyra said, “No, mommy. I remember you.”
“Do you remember when you were born?” I ask.
“You mommy, are the light.” She said and smiled the way little girls smile. Somewhere inside I wondered if it were true.
Lyra, the little harp and protector
And mommy turned off the lights, took a flash light, and made creatures on the ceiling. We took turns imagining our shadows escaping like Peter Pan’s and it turned my tears into shadow fingers on the wall. Luca ran his shadow feet along the ceiling, “Mommy, I run away, be dragon.”
And I said, “I am the dragon mommy and I will catch you, and breathe fire to warm you.”
“You be dragon mommy.” He said and put his hands on my face.
And I said, “Yes, I am. Forever. I be dragon for you little star.”
“Don’t cry mommy. I be Orion.”
And just like that my dreams came true.
Lyra and Lucian Orion – the boy I can depend on, the hunter of hearts
